Since the start of my check-ups, I have been plagued with morbid thoughts of all kinds of illnesses that could be inflicting me. Sometimes, these thoughts go as far as having something life-threatening that imaginings of a shortened life get the better of me. Other times, I muster enough positivity to brush off such negative thoughts.
Unfortunately, today is not one of those times. In fact, I have been plagued with such negative thoughts for the past couple of days that I find myself crying over and over, day and night. Thoughts of leaving my chaotic life – no matter how much I whine and complain about it – sadden me so much that I cry myself to sleep on most nights.
As if all this mental anguish wasn’t enough, I find myself with tortured thoughts once again as I wait for my scheduled axillary ultrasound at 1 pm today. The ultrasound will check what’s underneath the lump in my right armpit and its surrounding area.
I decided to do this test first as this is the area that hurts the most. I cannot carry my bag anymore on my right arm as the pain travels all the way to my right breast and my right side. Last night, there was a tingling sensation on my whole right arm – kinda like the feeling when you’ve rested on your arm for a long time and you get these tingles as you try to move it.
At any rate, perhaps God is delaying the test so I could still live in blissful ignorance for a bit longer. The results come out tomorrow and while I wait for the official report from the radiologist, I know that later I will see on the monitor what it is that’s hiding in the lump.
This thought alone gives me mental anguish incomparable to any I have ever experienced before…